Hiking shoes and sermonizing!

 I know…don’t be overwhelmed.  Two blogs in one week, I know, perhaps it is too much, but I can’t help that I have a lot to say, SO LISTEN TO ME! (please).

So these last couple of weeks have been interesting.  I know the buzz word, “interesting” is often used to express indifference or to cover up something that is not ideal—but here I use interesting in the quirky, surprising way.

Today I bought hiking shoes (that has no relevance other than I wanted you to know). 

I have been preaching and teaching more than I ever have before, which means I have had more feedback and responses to my teaching and preaching than ever before.  The following story, however, will be forevermore one of my favorites.  Following a sermon I gave a little over a week ago on “identity,” a tourist who was on holiday and happened to come to our service approached me.  After the service she stopped, took my hand, and began to speak: “Now listen, you had some very good things to say, and I really enjoyed it. But…please don’t take this the wrong way.  I am saying it out of love.  I just don’t want to offend, but I feel like I need to tell you that you…you shouldn’t do yoga anymore.”

My inner-monologue: “YOGA! That’s all, HALLELUJAH.  If yoga is the only thing wrong with my sermon then wooooohoooo!  I was expecting: it was too lengthy, your theology was bad, you should cut your bangs (someone else said this later).  If yoga is all it is then I shall sleep well tonight.”

My actual response: “Oh absolutely thank you so much.”

In this same day I had two incredible encounters.  First I was invited to one of my favorite couples (don’t tell the congregation I have favorites…it probably isn’t ethical).  When we arrived at their house, we slowly realized they’d been burglarized while we were at church.  HOW TERRIBLE!  Fortunately not much was taken, but we were just a wee bit shaken.  I tried to get my best comedy on though and keep the mood light—I described the episode of the Middle when the neighbor thinks the family has been robbed but really they just left the house a mess.  It is a classic episode (and probably a foreshadowing of my own life).  Despite the crime—it was an absolutely wonderful afternoon with two people who love the Lord and with whom I enjoy spending my time.

Later, however, I had the equally amazing opportunity to spend an evening with a couple from the United States who had stumbled upon Killarney Methodist that morning, came in for worship, we got to talking and before they left they took a chance and asked me to dinner.  Let me just say they are two of the most wonderful, Godly people I have ever encountered, and I was speechless after our night together.  Let’s just say—it has to be the Holy Spirit when you all three cry publicly during your conversation in the company of relative strangers (while talking about the work that God is doing in your life). 

There is no doubt that I will never ever forget this day for the rest of my life.  And while this may not be the smoothest transition, I want to update you all on some of the decisions I have been discerning over the summer.

Just to update all of you out there…I have been praying and discerning a lot over these last two months and have really struggled with my plans for the end of next year.  I know many of you may laugh and think “why is she thinking so far in advance, doesn’t she know it could all change.”  Believe me, I know but in the land of boards and agencies and paperwork a year is a relatively short period of time.  In order to go before my ordination boards next spring, I would have to indicate to the ministerial services office of my plans this month.  Yes, almost one year prior to the actual time of commissioning and ordination at next year’s conference.  With all of that said, I have come to the peaceful (somewhat uncomfortable) decision to not request my paperwork this July and to postpone my possible commissioning until the spring of 2013.  Gasp.

I know it has come after a lot of long conversations with God and with those close to me, and I just need a year to do—well, I don’t know yet, God hasn’t revealed that part yet.  All I know for now is that, I have some peace about this decision.  And I have peace about the steps that will come after this year.  People were very nervous when I went off to study in a Buddhist monastery several years ago—they were scared I might come back with less faith.  But, in reality, nothing has strengthened my faith more than that experience.  Taking a year off after I graduate in May is not an attempt to run from my calling, but it is part of my calling.  I am not abandoning the prospect of ordination—actually, right now, I have never been more comfortable with my call to ordination.  It is coming. 

Do not fear—in many ways, this decision is the best possible one.  While I have been in Ireland, I have been scared to death by the notion that God may indeed be calling me to pastoral ministry (in an actual church), which is something I have been avoiding for a long time.  The language of being called to be a pastor horrifies me, which is probably a very good thing.  I am becoming more at home and more accepting of this call, but I need time to sort out some things.  My mom and roommate Lindsey Baynham can confirm that I have not always kept the cleanest room, but I have always been a planner—I like to think through things before I do them (sometimes to my detriment and sometimes to my benefit).  I followed God’s call all the way to Ireland and found peace (not answers) to a lot of my questions.  I am going to continue to follow God wherever it is that God will lead me.  And right now, this is where God is leading me—to take some time off after seminary.  This has been a long discernment process, and it isn’t over yet.  But I just thought I would release myself from the burden of living up to others expectations and attempting to hide myself from God’s plan in order to please the people who are watching me. 

So there it is.  I have been compiling a list of things to do with a year off (not really off but not really on either).  Here are some of them…

1.    1. Go to New Zealand (because the Flight of the Concords said it wouldn’t suck)

2.   2. Be in a play (I really really miss theatre)

3.   3. Make (not buy) gifts for other people (at least 3x)

4.   4. Study and take the GRE

5.   5. Grow a garden (finally!)

6.   6. Do a lot of yoga (regardless of parishioners’ warning J)

7.   7. Use my hiking shoes.

8.   8. Add to this list.

        

            And Here is some proof that I am actually in Ireland.

Single in Seminary

It seems I haven’t updated my blog in a little while because, well, I have (excitingly) been doing the preacher thing.  It has been humbling, transforming, exhausting, renewing, and actually quite fun.  Please don’t tell anyone I said that—it might get out and then everyone will want to be a preacher, and I just can't risk the job security.  I will blog about experiences linked with my pastoral role soon-stop being so sad I can feel it as I type.

So for now….drumroll please (wait for it)…This will be a scattered hodgepodge of a blog in which I reveal my true feelings: “I am just a girl about to get her masters in theology standing in front of the blogger community, asking then to understand that she is not going to be a nun but that she is a human being and struggles like they do."  So let’s do this.

First of all, it is official-I am what the French call, okay correction, what most people who speak English call single.  That would mean I do not have a significant other with whom I can publicly canoodle.  This does not mean I am necessarily miserable, nor does it mean that I have taken an active stance toward singleness.  It just means the timing (God’s timing) for that part of my life hasn’t come. And, let’s be honest, it might have something to do with my high standards, which I draw from the one and only Liz Lemon on 30Rock: “I want a guy who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost . And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty out the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed… like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince! And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old."
 

Being single in seminary is not a sin, nor should it make me feel like I have something written on my face as it does. 

Here is one-side (my-side) of a conversation I have had multiple times this summer regarding my single status.  Disclaimer: those who may have asked these questions, no need to fear—I appreciate the fact that you consider the possibility that I might indeed be in a relationship; your concern reassures me that one day I may have children:

“No…I don’t have anyone special back at home…”

“Yes…I would like to.”

“And Yes, I agree, it is never too late.”  (Inner-monologue: “I am only 24, right?”)

“Yes…maybe I will meet an Irish bloke (fingers crossed)”

“Then, yes, I guess I would have to stay here forever.”

“Oh, you don’t say, there are plenty of eligible 70 year old farmers without wives up the mountain.  Give them my number.”

The hilarity of my single situation makes me laugh more than it makes me cry—but I just find it mind-blowing how much of an issue it is for people whether or not I have a “fella.”  Several of the most incredible people I know have yet to find their significant other—and they are still highly functioning, so congregations heed my warning, “Do not fear—it is not that we are strange, awkward individuals who lack the ‘right stuff.’  We are just kind of busy…usually washing our hair.”  And for the record, here is a short rant from the Kori peanut gallery (which consists of only one person—me).  It isn’t the sexiest pick-up line to say, “I am going to be pastor.”  I mean let’s be honest with ourselves—when you reveal this fact, especially as a woman, you lose a little steam.  Now add pastor (which infers you possess and intend to extend leadership skills in a dominantly male profession) to, again let’s be truthful, hilarity (which I am sometimes accredited as possessing) and the result is somewhat of an intimidating personality, which I will not apologize for, nor tone down—I would rather be single than deny myself the pleasure it is of being myself.  

This portion of the blogpost turned out to be a little more ranty than intended; I, however, feel it was necessary to get these feelings out in the open air for the world to enjoy and disagree with or find great comfort in (I think I used that last line in a Revelation Bible study recently).  Anyways this is in no way a personal ad, perhaps more so it a public warning: SINGLE SEMINARY STUDENTS ARE PEOPLE TOO.  Thank you blog audience, thank you.

Body building--I hate going to the gym!

Wednesday…hump day, the middle of the week.  A day named for the fact that people used to wed on this day.  Why, I do not know—but someone a Wikipedia might, so check there.

Today, I had the privilege of visiting one of the congregations that is overseen by the minister at Killarney (the church where I have primarily been working at this summer).  I made the 30-40 minute trek with a lovely couple, which we shall call J&E.  These two people are inspiring disciples and mentors.  They actually helped to establish the congregation in Killarney in 1998.  As E is about to celebrate his 80^th birthday, you can imagine the spirit and passion of this couple who have spent a majority of their retirement serving as church planters for the Methodist church in Ireland.  Church planting, at least from my point of view in the United States, is viewed as a young, hip thing that must be done because the church is dying.  FALSE.  Church planting should be a response to the ministerial needs of a community and the model that J&E have followed is a witness to that understanding—not a springing forth out of the fear of our own mortality.  They have established congregations by faith and love, loving people and trusting that God will bring those people toward God’s self.  This couple has helped to establish two congregations and now primarily works with the congregation in Kenmare.

We travelled there this morning for the Wednesday morning coffee hour where anyone and everyone is invited to come in and have a cup of tea/coffee and a scone and to just sit and chat.  Prior to our tea, J led us in Bible Study and focused on what it means to be the church.  Good question—we really don’t ask this in seminary (probably because we are not very good at it—notice I said ‘we’).  We are a mobile community constantly moving and shifting, inundated with information and overwhelmed by the atmosphere of academia, which perpetuates competitiveness and doesn’t really promote unity or diversity.  We are being trained with a certain set of criteria and by a certain group of old, dead (mostly German) men. “All of my friends are all dead, white old men.”—this is a very catchy song that embodies the seminary experience.” 

Getting back to Kenmare, we focused on three texts 1 Cor. 12, Ephesians 4, and Romans 12—all of these focus on unity of the body, diversity of the body, and the maturity of believers that is attained through love.  This is one way we can understand what it means to be a church.  To be a group of individuals who have responded to God’s call and, in doing so, have chosen to recognize and use the gifts God has given us to perpetuate love toward one another so that others may see Christ and not ourselves.  Inner monologue—“But…but, I work so hard shouldn’t I get a little credit.”  Bible—“no, not really.”

Whoa…so we are supposed to love people and not expect anything in return (except for an eschatological (fancy word for future/Jesus-coming-back time) reward).  Easier said than done.  I can’t even perpetuate unity within my own family—seems like someone is always frustrated at me or me at them and no matter what amount of prayer or forgiveness I attempt to offer, it often seems that issues of tension, competitiveness, jealousy, or anger cannot be smoothed out, and it consumes my thoughts and my prayers and distracts me from embodying the kind of love and unity that we are called to live into.

The worst part is families kind of have to love you in spite of it all.  Church people don’t really have that sense of kinship (of course we should—we are brothers and sisters in Christ). It scares me to think that in my own life there is so much tension and division that how could I possibly ever lead a congregation or instill unity in a group of people who are constantly at odds because, while they attempt to serve a God that calls us to be one, we still are surrounded by the worldly pursuit of wealth and the admiration of ambition. 

This is why I struggle with the vocational call to be a minister—because it is hard work.  It would be so much easier to defend my thoughts and equated analysis from the comfort of a computer in a little cubicle in the bowels of a library.  There I would never really be forced to deal with the everyday reality of suffering (apart from the reality of my own existence).  This is why a desk job is appealing—because it is safe and less scary than trying to live into the horrifying task of bringing people together or even more scary—to attempt to embody this spirit of unity in my own life. 

I wish I had some triumphant “aha moment” now so that I could offer you a response like “YES, I believe I can do this—I can lead people toward a fuller understanding of unity and Christly embodiment,” but the reality is I don’t know.  I’m not brave.  I’m scared of failure, of failing others and of failing God.  I have already failed several members of my family, and I don’t know how to piece that back together.  I don’t know how to build the kingdom of God; I am just riding on this grace praying for my easy, get out of jail free card—hoping it might come in the form of a burning bush with a sign that says “Go that way.”  I really do want to be the person God is calling me to be, but that person seems like they might have to accept the fact that failing is okay and that mistakes are important.  That person scares me—I like answers.  This entry may not make much sense, but I am just attempting to name some of the things that have been floating through my mind while being sensitive to the lives that entwine themselves in my own.  We live in a very voyeuristic society that desires to know and see all of the failures and inadequacies of our lives and this has caused a culture of fear to emerge.  A culture that I am very much a part of and have not yet figured out how to disengage from.  I guess it is a good thing that all of my friends are old, dead (mostly German) men because they can’t really talk back to you when you complain to them, but, then again, they also can’t read your blog.  So to all of you alive, well-looking, men and women I hope you enjoy this deep, unsatisfying blog (like the ending of an independent film).